Thursday, November 8, 2012

Good ole ADHD

Careless mistakes
Losing things constantly
Inability to complete tasks
Wandering mind
Depression due to never being able to get a damn thing accomplished and feeling like a big ole loser

So, I go get my meds.  From a new doc.  Back on the hobby horse after a year of free-ballin' and free-fallin'.  And the doc informs me that my script is highly sought after on the black market, so be very, very careful not to let anyone know I'm on it because the bad guys will follow me home and break into my house to steal my Vyvanse.  I can't remember if paranoia is a side-effect of ADHD meds, but I hope not, because he was just getting warmed up.

He then proceeds to tell me that when he completes his notes, they will then be sent to a government database to be monitored by the feds.  That all prescriptions will be monitored by the govt soon, for that matter.  And every person will have their entire medical history compiled neatly by said govt, and also monitored.  He doesn't like this bureaucratic bull honkey, so he's telling me all about it.  He tells me that "they" tell him that he just needs to keep his mouth shut, and follow directions.  The Administration will advise him in how he will be doing his doctoring.  I told him that I'm sure the Nazi docs could relate to how he feels.

The thing is, this has been the case for years.  HIPPA got the ball rolling, and things have been falling into place for a long time.  I KNEW that the system was keeping tabs on all of us...but, the notion still struck most as conspiracy theory.  Now, I've got this doctor blatantly telling me what I already knew, but I'm telling you, it was scary.

Fast forward to home.  Wait rewind.  I noticed the new(ish) electric bill on my way out this morning.  I just paid the electric on the 24th, so I didn't even bother to open it yet, cos, hey, I just paid it!  Now fast forward.  I get home, decide to heat up some of last night's chili.  Wait...why is the light on the stove off?  And the microwave...and, shit...I better open that bill.  So I open the bill to find out that on the 24th, I paid my water bill amount to my electric co.  And due to the difference, I had an outstanding amount that needed to be paid by yesterday.  GREAT!  So, they were nice enough to remotely turn my power back on as soon as I paid it.  But, I realized in that moment, that it doesn't matter that I'm a stay at home mom now.  I still have responsibilities.  And my brain is still wired differently.  And even if I don't have a million balls in the air, I still have a very real problem processing.

So I'm taking the drugs, and getting monitored.  Because I'm pretty sure we're all being monitored anyway.  And at least now I won't feel like whoever is watching what we do is thinking, "man, that lady is such a dumbass."

Plus, I'll probably drop 10 pounds.  Bonus! Oh, and get robbed.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

I can't wait to get back on meds

I'm a bad influence on me.  Seriously.  How can I expect more from my offspring when I'm such a degenerate?  I'm all, "do as I say!!!", while I'm over here, eating their stolen candy.  Someone get mommy a cuueerzzz.  Seriously.  Get me a beer.

And one more...seriously.

Screw Facebook Status Updates

I'm thinking it would have been a lot better had I known that teenB had mistakenly put pooperscooped remains in the recycle been rather than the trash receptacle prior to dumping the week's recycling...shit...literally.  Just shit...I don't wanna climb in there to dig the poop bags out!!!

Dooce on the brain.

And since I'm here and all, and it's my blog, I'm going to talk about whatever I want.  Lately that gangling blond Mormon.  What is my fixation with the Dooce?  I can't tell you.  But, I've been knowing her, via that internet, for around a decade now.  To clarify, she doesn't know me.  I just found her back in the day, when she was leaving LA, and found her...intriguing.  I liked that there was some random person out there just saying whatever crap came to her head, and she even took the time to code that shit.  Seriously?  I was inspired.  I didn't really relate to her, but she did make me laugh on occasion.

I became a fan, if you will, when she had her baby and wrote those lovely letters.  I liked that she was all, SO WHAT???  Yeah, I drink, yeah, I'm not a PERFECT PARENT, I have PROBLEMS, but FUCK YOU, MY MAN LOVES ME.  I also loved her because I was a CAPS LOCK kind of gal, too.  Actually, I don't even CAPS LOCK; I JUST HOLD THE SHIFT KEYS THE WHOLE TIME.  But, I'm rather annoyed by the CAPS LOCK.  She RUINED my CAPS LOCK affinity, and now I have to use these damn italics because I don't want people to think I'm YELLING AT THEM.

I liked that she figured out a way to make a living just throwing her shit out there...It gave me hope in this whole American Dream hooptilah that, seriously, follow your dreams, even when they're sort of lame and you can still make a living at it.  But then her man quit his job, and I'll be honest.  I was jealous.  And I was mad because she never returned any emails (I sent her three) when they were heartfelt and nice...and let's be honest, she wasn't even famous AT ALL then.  She was still a no body when I sent those, and how hard is it to say, hey, thanks for your concern?  Not.  Hard.  That's how hard.  Not at all.  Anyway, aside from this minor rant, I'm pretty much over that in my day to day life. Back to being I was, fighting depression too, dealing with undiagnosed ADHD, tryng to raise 3 toddlers (twins...hahaha, funny one, G-d), and all she was suddenly not only rudely unresponsive to actual fans, but getting rich doing it!  At least making enough money for her old man to quit his day job, too; and I was struggling to pay for other people to raise my babies and make rent.  I realized she was in a cocoon.  But...shit...I still related to her on some levels, and she was still funny sometimes, and I really did like those letters to Leta.  And that she felt she was friends with famous people IN HER MIND.  I do that, too.

So...then she's suddenly pretty damn rich and successful and on tv, and I hated my job and my life, and I didn't want to hear about her fake ass depression and 17 meds and gym membership...because instead of feeling better, it was so in-your-face that I felt worse.  I felt like, why can't I do that.  And more importantly, WHY CAN'T DOOCE JUST BE FUCKING APPRECIATIVE?  Fucking Dooce.  So I stopped reading her.  For a few years.  But I heard about her more.  She was internet famous.

And the whole time, I'm thinking Out of Character is a way better blog.  WTF?

So, she had that other baby that she seems to hate...and I checked in, ya know?  I was curious.  The tone sucked.  Her blog sucked.  It wouldn't load on my phone.  It was pictures, and not great ones like she took of her family, but all of these pictures of her employees...and fancy makeovers, and bragging, bragging, bitching, bragging, bragging.  Ugh.  So I checked out pretty quickly.

Then I hear she's getting divorced.  And I'm sure it's hard to live with a man that is up your ass with support all of the time...It's like Ferris Bueller says, "She's gonna treat him like shit.  Because you can't respect someone that constantly kisses your ass." - that's more of a paraphrase from repeated jr. high watchings, FYI.  So basically now, I'm just, like...DOOCE YOU HAD BETTER TAKE HIM BACK BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE ON THE ENTIRE PLANET WILL EVER WANT YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE AWFUL.  So...yeah...she grosses me out these days.

And while I'm not the best mom, I haven't sold my kids souls just yet. does appear to be lucrative...

Also, the thing with GOMI was bullshit.  It did turn me on to GOMI, though.  Which turned me on the The Bloggess.  Which in turn taught me Dooce is an asshole.  That's my OPINION.  Incidentally, I think Jon's a dick, too.  Anyone acting smarter than they are is annoying.

So, yeah...maybe this little rant will get her outta my head...because, seriously?  WHY IS SHE IN MY BRAIN???

Dishes call.  Damn.

Sidenote -  The CAPS LOCK is part of the therapeutic healing process.  Actually, I guess this is post script, not a sidenote.  WHATEVER.  It will be used with a modicum of restraint in future posting.  I italicize, bitches. 
Here I am.  Again...I was blogging when blogging wasn't cool.  And like most things in my life, I couldn't keep up.  Actually, my shitbag ex husband found it, and started making even my escape-to life miserable, so I took it down.  I think I've never really trusted any anonymity to give it another heartfelt go.  Add to that my adult ADHD and my horribly dysfunctional life...and bleh...whatever.  I'm trying again.  So, it seems in addition to making a promise to myself to get back on meds and be a "productive" member of society again (whatever that means), I'm also committing to writing here everyday for a week.  I realize these are lofty goals, but, hey, I'm trying to keep the faith...

I'm not sure what will pop out here...Mostly, I just want it to be honest.  And I guess I'd like to find that damn potential everyone keeps telling me is somewhere inside of me.  I'm feeling really old as of late, like maybe I'm too old to be using this damn internets for creative outlet...But, it beats a real job.  And, frankly, I've grown bored of reading other people's lives, and not having one of my own.  It's stupid, in a be crawling back into society, getting a life, that is truly just still me by myself, clacking away at a keyboard.  Hopefully, I'll have some shit to say, and put the 'fun' back in my dysfunctional life.  Like writing here will somehow motivate me to clean out my closet and start facing real people in real life in this new real city I moved to because of my husband's real job and my real life totally falling apart the last year or so...Shit, who am I kidding?  It has been a sinking ship for some time.  I'm still hopeful to make a life in this wreckage!  It's the only life I have!

I'm also planning some shittalk.  You're welcome, real-life friends.  This should lead to less drunk texting!  Maybe...We'll promises.

Also, I'm not editing or rereading what I post for now.  I just want to keep my goal of DOING something.  Excuse the typos...or, you know, fuck off.  That too.